Beautiful Things

“I just want to wrtite this befored since i will have another mental breakdown this week becasue I cant have my dream job with the almost perfect team ， well with a 70% chance im not getting it，i am not getting it but you know I dont do hopeful thinking or pray”

 

At some point we all find sentimental shits beautiful

Guess what, the world is fucked up so whenever we can feel all sorts of emotion ,it might be a bless

or like all award winning dramas ,there is a unexpected turns with all this emotion

u r diagnosed with Bipolar

I am used to the process of ” feeling hopful then overthinking everything then u lost then u cry and eventually u r numbed ”

I experienced with mood swings daily， it almost like the entertainment of my day

If im luck, i have those emotions 5 days in a week

It almost felt gulity when i had any good things happened to me

Then it almost felt a relif if things went bad in then end

I dont know how to feel positive anymore

I assume i dont deserve any better, why, i dont know.

As far 2020 goes, nothing good happened, i mean i had great opportunities time to time then somehow i ruined it

we are living in a world that everybody is for themsevlves so i might be too capable

Then everyone i met has the urge to bring me down

I see it babes I really see it now

Strangely, im through. I feel no need to accomany you and watch you sucess by giving me pain

all the pains i felt, all the lies i heard, all the tears i shared somehow beautiful

Those are the realest things in my life and it almost felt like a bless to be able to feel them all

Am i fine, of course I’m not, so stop asking me that

And you can laugh at it

One day , I am gonna die and I will be fine knowing the reasons I die is because i deserve a better reality

Afterwards, I dont have to feelt and i cant be a better bossman then I will finally live the life i want

 

Erina